Last year before jetting off for a year filled with laughter and smiles, I would read on the facebook group of exchange students, "My cat just died" "My grandmother/father/great aunt just died."And I was naive enough to think, that won't happen to me. I have two very healthy strong grandmothers who I love very much and will probably be at my wedding. So I shrugged those comments off.
WARNING NEXT PART IS VERY EMOTIONAL. MOM, IF YOU READ THIS AND CRY I'M SORRY.
A few months ago, I got an email from my mom. It was short and quick to the point. It read, "Your grandmother is very sick. She might get better, she might not." I, being the good granddaughter I am, quickly started to worry but a few weeks after that email I stopped. I figured my grandmother had gotten better. I'd seen her over skype and she looked strong and ready to fight.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Same email except "This time she is really sick. The docs gave her months to live. You might see her when you get back, you might not." My mom gave me time become at peace with this idea. I am not the person who shows her feeling right away. I'm the type of person who writes down what she's feeling like and then stuffs it in the box. That's what I did. I cried and I told my Italian mom about it. She understood and made sure I was okay.
Fast forward to last week. New email. "Grandmother's extremely sick. She has a few weeks." Within the week, I was writing my mom and dad, and as I read their responses I would cry. The last letter my dad wrote made me cry for a good 5 minutes. That's my dad. Quick to make me cry. Mom, remember, Dad's a keeper in this kind of situation.
Fast forward to last night. No email but skype. I get to see my Grandmother. About the strongest woman I have ever known. She was laying down, eye's half closed and when I said hi, she said the name she's been calling me since birth, "Hey, Annie girl." Like that I broke. There were no tears and I struggled to get the words out. I told her I loved her so much and when I blew her a kiss, I blew a thousand times more because well in my own words... that kiss has to be a strong little motherf**ker to cross hundreds of thousands of miles and land on my Grandmother's cheek.
Fast forward to tonight. I avoided going on facebook and my email since I'd gotten home. I'd seen a thing on facebook this morning and I wanted to believe it was an April fool's joke. That's how I take bad news. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. I get on skype with my great aunt and the news is spilled. That's when I cracked. The tears spilled and I learned a heart can break into a thousand different tiny slivers. We talked and talked and talked. I talked to my mom over the phone via skype. There may be no physical hugging right now but I can feel all the love from all 8 children, 28 grandchildren and greatgrandchildren going for my Grandmother.
My Grandmother is a true southern gem. She raised 8 children all by herself with the help of a giant Irish family. She is the strongest person I know. And I see her in my mom. I remember asking my mom what kind of grandma she wanted to be and her responding, like Grandmother. Mom you are Grandmother. Just a younger version. Actually all my aunts are Grandmother. I am so lucky to have that. I am so lucky to say that my children will have 6 Grandmothers because of who my aunts are.
Grandmother, everyone is saying how they love you to the moon and back. I'm going to say that but also through the old Native American legends you gave me and my sister. I see you whenever I see bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrushes. I love you when I see those flowers.
We all know this year, I've studied Dante. Well, Dante knew I was going to need this quote to express my love for Grandmother.
L'amor che move il sole e l'altre stelle
In English: Love moves the sun and the other stars.
That's what will be tattooed on my shoulder blade in remembrance of my Grandmother. So I can always keep her love with me.
Grandmother, I love you. I love you until time stops. Ti voglio tanto, anzi troppo bene.
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