Home is where I'm in love with you

Well, I made it back home. Okay, no worse for wear. Okay that's a lie. I have a minor case of pink eye. Thanks Euro tour. Let me rephrase: We shared everything on the bus.
Do you want to hear about my flights? I really don't think so. I can tell you I cried when I left my host family at security, I cried all the way to Munich. Then right in the middle of Duty Free in Frankfurt, I had a breakdown. Then I cried when I left Germany, I cried when I listened to "Let Her Go" by Passenger. I cried when I got into Denver and saw the mountains for the first time in a long while. I think I cried enough tears to take care of the drought problems in Colorado.
It is kind of weird being back at home. It feels like nothing has changed. It feels like my exchange was a dream. That I just took a super long nap, had this amazing dream and then woke up. That's how I explain my exchange now. That it was a dream. Because it was. It was a life in a year.
I can't really recap my exchange. You could go through and read the old blog posts. That's kind of a recap. It was an adventure.
So now I go back to real life. I go back to being a small valley girl who went on this amazing adventure. Or I go back and be the girl I was in Italy and not care what the others thing. That way, I don't live a lie my senior year. Sounds a lot easier than it is. I think I can handle it. I handled going to Italy for a year. I think I can handle anything now.
I will tell you something I've learned this year: I've learned that I really like writing. I like how it's like meditating. How I can use my words to express my thoughts. I cannot imagine not writing. I want to keep writing. I want to keep writing and traveling. That's my plan for the future. Become a journalist and travel. I don't care if it's to the war front or to Florence to give a report on youth hostels. Just put me on a plane with a journal and I'll be a happy camper.
I guess this is my last blog post. Maybe I'll update it sometimes but it's doubtful. Maybe I'll start another blog on senior year and how I'm doing. Except that sounds cliche. Who knows.
Right now I'll leave you guys with: I'm going on an adventure this year.

I will follow you into the dark

Last day in Italy. Where has the time gone? I made it 10 months, 1 week and a day. Who would've thought.
Yesterday, we had my going away party. It was really nice actually. My friend kept saying that it was so Italian. That being in a yard over looking vineyards and having the Italian flag hanging above us. I guess it is very Italian. But the thing is, Gorizia is Italian in its own way. There are the apartments with different colors, the cobblestones, the ice cream and high fashion stores. My friends don't realize how lucky they are to live here. How amazing it is to be surrounded by this history.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: we should always be proud of where we come from. I know, I make Vail out to be small and closed and hard to have space to breathe. Yet, I love it. I love the comfort of being surrounded by the mountains. Knowing that in half an hour, I can be out skiing or out on the trail running. Sure, sometimes I feel closed off and that there is no air still, I try to remember how lucky I am to say I live in the mountains. I'm proud to say that I'm not an apartment baby or a city girl. That I know which plants you can survive off of and what plants will kill you in a matter of hours. I'm proud to say that I know how to run away from a moose. (Zigzags everyone)
This is what my life has come to... knowing how to run from a moose.
What am I supposed to say? There are no words for this feeling. This feeling of leaving a new life, of leaving a new family and new friends. This feeling of seeing my family after 10 months of only emails and skype dates.
I woke up this morning at 2 in the morning because I'm NERVOUS! That's it! I admit it. I am damn flippin' nervous to see my family. To see the valley. To see everybody. I'm nervous that I'm not the girl everyone is looking forward to seeing. I've changed so much and I don't know who they are expecting. The girl I was before exchange or the young woman I have grown into. I'm nervous that I'll lose friends because of who I've become. Isn't that so vain of me? I'm more nervous about losing friends than I was nervous before going to school for the first time in Italy.
But then on the flip side, I'm so excited to see my family. I can't wait to give my mom a huge hug. And see my dad. To see the rocks in my life. To see my baby sister and tell her about all the guys in Europe and how they dress well and are in their own way, so much better than American guys. To be able to hug all of them and tell them thank you for letting me go off for a year.
Then I'm so sad to leave my Italian family. I keep crying because I don't know when I'll see them next. They are so precious to me. They have taken a part of my heart and I hold them close. They let me into their home and didn't ask anything of me. They let me discover who I am. I am so grateful for that.
The title is a song by Death Cab for Cutie. After this year, I will follow all of the people I love into the dark. I would make that sacrifice to let them know I care about them. To let them know that they always have someone to count on. Just like my parents did for me this year and the years past.
"Fear is the heart of love" according to the song and I agree. That's what this year was. A jump into the abyss. Where you let fear pass once you start to love your new family. When you start to love your friends. The fear passes and then it comes galloping back when it's time to leave. And you know why? Because you're taking another jump into the abyss.
I tell myself "I'm going on an adventure". I told myself that before I left for Italy. I told myself that before I left for Israel. And now I'm telling it to myself before I leave for home. Because that's what life is. One big adventure.

Snow Girl turned Beach Girl

I've been to the beach. And I learned a lot... Let me review the lesson:
Yes, Mother, I wore sunscreen.
Yes, Mother, I reapplied sunscreen.
No, Mother, I didn't reapply as much as you would've liked.
No, Mother, I didn't apply sunscreen to the belly region.
No, Mother, I am not sun kissed.
Yes, Mother, I am burned.
Yes, Mother, I did have a painful shower.
There you have it. My belly is now my own personal space heater. Other wise, my legs and shoulders look really nice. They're sun kissed tan.
These past two days I was at Grado. It's the beach near us. My host family has a house there so I had a place to sleep. Sara was there too. Since the summer concert season opened yesterday, we went to the concert. No, it wasn't that nice. I mean the music was okay but the girl who was up there, playing cheerleader, she was getting on my nerves. I had a lot of fun. It was a nice way to spend my last Sunday. Plus I was with friends. That's the way to go.
Before the concert, I was able to go swimming at the beach and lay out and tan. No I didn't burn from that. Today is when I burned. Sara and I were laying out on the boardwalk from noon to 3. Right when the sun is at its peak power. Read above comments on sunscreen.
We got fro-yo too! That was a perfect way to end our day at the beach. Plus, I was able to catch up on my writing. I felt like a kebab a bit too. I'd lay on my back for an hour then I would rotate to my belly.  It was very kebab-y
Tomorrow, I have my going away party. I keep saying it's going to be the party of the year. Who knows? Maybe it will be. Sara and I were joking around saying that we should have a bonfire and roast marshmallows. I don't think it'll happen. Unless we dig a fire pit in the front yard. Hmmm...
I just wanted to check in. I'll write Wednesday too.

Dustland Farie tales

These past two weeks were a dream. I was on my euro tour and let me tell you, they don't let you rest. I was going, going, going. I went so fast that now I have a cold. Go figure. We shared everything on that bus. I won't go into detail though.
I don't think I have enough time to tell you guys all about those amazing 15 days. So instead, I'll tell you what I liked and what I didn't like. Sound good? I thought so.
What I liked: The food, Leon, Prague, the beer in Munich.
What I didn't like: The weather(at times), Paris.
Guess I have some explaining to do. I'll start with the easy stuff first.
I adored the food. Except it was the food during lunch. The food for dinner at the hotel wasn't that good. I had a quiche to die for in Leon. I mean it was heavenly goodness. All that egg and peppers, ah, so good.
Prague was amazing. I've never seen a city like it before. The old mixed with the new but even the new isn't that new. I loved walking across the bridges and seeing the old city. Plus the shopping was amazing. It was all so cheep. One euro is equal to about 25 Czech crones, which means everything is cheep. You just have to know where to look. Plus, I was able to go to the biggest club in Europe. 5 floors of different music. It was pretty cool. Dancing with my friends was also nice. It was a good way to spend the night. If it hadn't been so hot and humid in Prague it would've been even better.
Okay, Germans are known for their beer skills and when in Rome.... I had to try the beer. I even went to the English Gardens aka the beer garden. Don't worry, I didn't go over the top. I know my limits. So the beer was good. I only had the blond beers because they are of lighter alcohol content. Still, a blond beer with a giant pretzel... Yum.
Now why didn't I like Paris? Well everyone makes Paris out to be Paris. I mean they make it sound like a huge deal. Sure it's a beautiful city but... I don't know. It rained on my Eiffel Tower day. The Louvre was crowded and it was just so touristy. Our last day in Paris I enjoyed. We went to Montmar and it was beautiful. It's the hill next to the city and it's just so quaint. Yeah, there are tourists but it's a different life style. It's relaxed. So that was my favorite part of Paris. Maybe I didn't like Paris that much because I didn't have enough time. 3 days is not enough to go everywhere. I missed the Latin Quarter and Chames D'Elyse. Maybe it's because I went to all the tourist places instead of going out and exploring the lesser known parts. Who knows? Would I go back? Without a doubt. Would I do it like I did? Probably not. I'm not the kind of person who likes to be stuck in a big group, touring the city by bus while the guide drawls on monotonically. I'd rather be out and about seeing the city.
So that's that. My Euro tour went to quickly. It seemed like a small Cinderella story. The clock has struck midnight and now I'm back in my life in Italy. Except this Cinderella story is also coming to an end. The clock will hit midnight and I'll be back home, wondering if this year was a dream. That's all I know for certain.
My life back home is not established. It's not set in stone, more it's jello. School is set in stone, so is cross country but my friends? Yeah, that's the jello part. I'll take it one day at a time.
So that's it. I'll try to write before I get back. I don't know how possible that'll be. I'm pretty busy. But I will set some time to write. Sound good?

And I thought I would have a thousand more

School finished yesterday. Euro tour is tomorrow. I leave for Milan today. How did it go so fast? It seemed like it was yesterday that I walked into class on the first day of school and almost ran out, thinking "I'm in over my head". I mean time just flew by. Which, when you have 9 hours of chemistry each week is not a bad thing. Still, it went way faster than I thought it would.
Last week, I had my last Rotary get together with the other exchange students. We went up to Dobbicco and spent the night there then went on a 43 km bike ride. That's around 25 miles on a bike. Where you butt will be hurting after the first hour. We went to Austria to a town named Lienz. Now I'm pretty sure Lienz is the sister town of Beaver Creek, where I spent the first 10 years of my skiing career. The biking was fun. I got to talk with all my friends and be in the mountains again. I see a ton of similarities between Austria and Vail. I mean Vail could be switched with an Austrian town and you would think it would fit right in. Even my house fits right in with all the Austrian houses. Then at the end of the day, we took the train back to Italy.
Last Thursday, I had my Rotary presentation. Thank the lord, my friend Maddie was there too. Without her I would've died from no talking with the people. I thanked my host club and said it through my story of my lost luggage. I also winged it because I didn't right a speech. So when it comes to winging it, use your lost baggage story. Still, it went pretty smoothly.
It's finally getting hotter in Gorizia. We have hot days and then in the afternoon it rains for an hour or two. Which makes going to practice frustrating but you get used to it. When I get back from my euro tour, I'll be able to go to the beach.
As for this year, it's gone fast. And I feel like I've taken it for granted. But I haven't and I have. I read this quote "A thousand moments that I had just taken for granted- Mostly because I had assumed there would be a thousand more." The clock ticked and ticked and I kept making memories and I didn't think about the future. I've had so many moments here in Italy that will be with me forever. And I know that I might never be able to repeat those moments. That's what takes my breath away. That even though I feel like I'm here forever, it's actually only a moment in time. And I have to be careful with time because if I'm not, it'll come and sweep me off my feet.
I have to thank my parents too. They let me go away for 9 and a half months and never questioned my sanity. Those are awesome parents. I get that they miss me and I miss them too. I miss them when I have a moment that I wish they could share with me. Plus they help me pay for stuff that I need. So Mom and Dad, I have a ton of magnates for the fridge and I have small gifts too. Thank you for this year.
So for the next two weeks, I'll be traveling around Europe. When I return, I'll be dead tired but happy. That's what counts. I'll try to keep you guys updated but I can't promise that. Maybe I can find an internet cafe in Paris so I can write.

Wake me up when November Ends

It's been raining in Gorizia for about 2 weeks now. Three weeks ago it was hot and everyone was gearing up to go to the beach. Now everyone is gearing up for the cold. They tell me that this is what November feels like, not June.
I miss the sun.
Anyways, this is kind of a catch up post. Last week I hit my 9 month mark. Wow. It seems like yesterday I that I'd just arrived. It's hard to believe that I'll be going home soon. I don't like thinking about that.
To celebrate 9 months, I went to Green Day. I know, an American in Italy going to see an American band in Italy. It doesn't make sense. It was still really fun! I sung and sung and sung. The next day my throat hurt but it was worth it. I've never had so much fun before. Okay so maybe I have but that doesn't matter. First concert off the bucket list!
Then the next day, was the Gorizia Triathlon. Did I do it? Heh, no. I volunteered instead. I had to count the laps in the pool with my friend Vicky. We all know about Vicky who is this amazing triathlete. She did well in the race too.
Plus there was an Olympian competing in the triathlon. His name is Alessandro Fabian and he came in 10th at London. I even got an autograph. On my t-shirt! I will never wash that shirt again. Okay maybe I will but only in special cases.
So that's been my life. I mean I was sick a few weeks ago and I lost 3 kilos...okay maybe 2. Still losing weight is a good thing in my situation. All the pasta tends to add up.
Then tomorrow, I'm going to the Dolomite's with the other exchange students for our last meeting. There will be tears no doubt. Sunday is the Pro Gorizia championship soccer game. I will be running back from Dobbiacco to see them play. My friends are on that team.
Next Sunday, I'll be in Milan for the start of the Euro tour. 14 days, 30 exchange students, a lot of cities and one bus. There will never be a dull moment. I will be going to: Milan, Lione, Paris, Strasbourg, Munich, Prague, a city outside of Prague, Vienna and Venice. So it should be fun. I mean Paris! Who doesn't want to go to Paris?
School ends next Saturday and I have my class party right afterwards. So next week is going to be busy, busy, busy.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself

The thing is with fear, you don't really know you have it until your faced with a big, scary situation. Before coming to Italy, I was never really scared. Not one bit. My dad used to say it was because the idea of being away for a year hadn't really sunk in yet. The idea, that reality, had sunk in but I wasn't scared. I had no fear. This was something I wanted and I wasn't going to let fear stop me.
Now, with 50 some odd days left, I have that feeling of fear. That feeling where when you think about it, it takes your breath away and your belly gets all knotted up. I'm afraid for what senior year is going to bring. I'm afraid that my friends won't care about what I did this year and who I met and who I've become. I'm afraid no one will get my feeling of being thrown back into a closed room after a year of freedom.
You're probably thinking, why are you scared? You just spent the year alone, without your parents and without your mother language. Going back home should be a walk in the park. Let me tell you something; it's not. I have a new life here and I don't want to give it up. I have new friends and a new family and I don't want to lose them. I feel like I'm a cancer patent with only so many days left to live and I have to be okay with knowing that. I'M NOT OKAY KNOWING THAT!
I graduate in a year and I already have senioritis. I want to skip senior year, go right to college and start my life. I want to start traveling and writing. I want to know how big but yet how small this world is. I want to wake up in a town, where nobody knows my name and go from there. Most of all, I want to get away from that closed room and into the open air.
We all have different perceptions of home. Home is where you feel loved and cared for. Sometimes it's not even a fixed place. When I went to the Winds and was living out of a tent and a backpack, I felt at home. I was surrounded by a thing I loved. Now here in Italy, I'm at home. I've found a home at the track with my teammates and coaches. I've found a home at school with my friends and my crazy Italian teacher. (She's my favorite) I've found a home among the grape vines and fruit trees of San Floriano. I've found a home at a house filled with amazing people I'm proud to call my family.
In all of these places, I feel like I don't have to prove myself. I feel like even though I'm judged at times, it doesn't matter in the long run. I have found myself. For a few years, I thought I'd lost myself, my path in life. I was never really lost. The path was just long with a lot of obstacles. My path led me here, to Italy. It led me to knowing what I want to do in life.
That paragraph just made me cry.
There are no quotes for this feeling of fear. There is no consoling. There is no one in the world who knows what this feeling feels like. Maybe there is someone but who knows the feeling but it's not the same feeling. There is only one thing to do: You have to take a deep breath and jump. You have to jump into that pit of unknown things and hope that everything is going to be alright. I've learned that 99.9% of the time, you're going to be alright. It might hurt a little bit, it might be a little dark so bring extra band-aids and batteries for your flashlight.
I'm going to make it through my senior year. Sure, I might be a little whinny and a little too happy to graduate but I'll make it through. Then I get to come back to Italy. I get to show my family my new family. I get to show them the town and the people that made me who I am today. I'll get to see my friends and be out in the open air. I'll be able to give my sister a taste of the freedom that I'm drinking today.
Maybe fear is a good thing. Maybe it'll help me take the risks I need to take.