The thing is with fear, you don't really know you have it until your faced with a big, scary situation. Before coming to Italy, I was never really scared. Not one bit. My dad used to say it was because the idea of being away for a year hadn't really sunk in yet. The idea, that reality, had sunk in but I wasn't scared. I had no fear. This was something I wanted and I wasn't going to let fear stop me.
Now, with 50 some odd days left, I have that feeling of fear. That feeling where when you think about it, it takes your breath away and your belly gets all knotted up. I'm afraid for what senior year is going to bring. I'm afraid that my friends won't care about what I did this year and who I met and who I've become. I'm afraid no one will get my feeling of being thrown back into a closed room after a year of freedom.
You're probably thinking, why are you scared? You just spent the year alone, without your parents and without your mother language. Going back home should be a walk in the park. Let me tell you something; it's not. I have a new life here and I don't want to give it up. I have new friends and a new family and I don't want to lose them. I feel like I'm a cancer patent with only so many days left to live and I have to be okay with knowing that. I'M NOT OKAY KNOWING THAT!
I graduate in a year and I already have senioritis. I want to skip senior year, go right to college and start my life. I want to start traveling and writing. I want to know how big but yet how small this world is. I want to wake up in a town, where nobody knows my name and go from there. Most of all, I want to get away from that closed room and into the open air.
We all have different perceptions of home. Home is where you feel loved and cared for. Sometimes it's not even a fixed place. When I went to the Winds and was living out of a tent and a backpack, I felt at home. I was surrounded by a thing I loved. Now here in Italy, I'm at home. I've found a home at the track with my teammates and coaches. I've found a home at school with my friends and my crazy Italian teacher. (She's my favorite) I've found a home among the grape vines and fruit trees of San Floriano. I've found a home at a house filled with amazing people I'm proud to call my family.
In all of these places, I feel like I don't have to prove myself. I feel like even though I'm judged at times, it doesn't matter in the long run. I have found myself. For a few years, I thought I'd lost myself, my path in life. I was never really lost. The path was just long with a lot of obstacles. My path led me here, to Italy. It led me to knowing what I want to do in life.
That paragraph just made me cry.
There are no quotes for this feeling of fear. There is no consoling. There is no one in the world who knows what this feeling feels like. Maybe there is someone but who knows the feeling but it's not the same feeling. There is only one thing to do: You have to take a deep breath and jump. You have to jump into that pit of unknown things and hope that everything is going to be alright. I've learned that 99.9% of the time, you're going to be alright. It might hurt a little bit, it might be a little dark so bring extra band-aids and batteries for your flashlight.
I'm going to make it through my senior year. Sure, I might be a little whinny and a little too happy to graduate but I'll make it through. Then I get to come back to Italy. I get to show my family my new family. I get to show them the town and the people that made me who I am today. I'll get to see my friends and be out in the open air. I'll be able to give my sister a taste of the freedom that I'm drinking today.
Maybe fear is a good thing. Maybe it'll help me take the risks I need to take.
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